He’s May…I’m December and what started out hot like the August heat has cooled into a fall November day. I did it for his own good, I really did. And I’m pretty sure, no absolutely positive that someday he will thank me for it.
You see, I started to wonder if there was a future in this thing. And I swear for a minute I truly believed there could be one. I looked past the 20 year age difference. Daily it mattered less to me that I had a child older than him, I became comfortable with the realization that my son was just four years younger than him and my youngest, I believe is still too young to form an opinion on this (thanks to Jlo and Drake’s highly publicized May-December romance).
But, then came the talk of the future, HIS plans for OUR future. A future that I could not see myself a part of. A future that would require my entire life to be examined. And so I got scared. But nothing scared me more than when the talk of babies came up. And I knew I had to let him go.
I would never change my mind when it comes to more children, for health reasons alone I couldn’t take the risk of bringing another child into this world. Also, at 45 my child bearing days are nearing the end (I’ve got mixed feeling about that, but that’s another post). But mostly because I’m absolutely, completely selfish is why I do not want another baby.
With two of my children already in their 20’s and a third about to hit her terrible teens, I am finally able to be a little selfish with my time. I finally booked a trip to the Dominican Republic my first trip ever to another country, I’ve got plans to just have relaxed summer and relaxed rest of my life actually, diapers not included. And he deserves a world I cannot possibly ever give him.
He deserves to be a dad, and experience all the joys and heartaches that parenthood brings. He deserves first steps and first heart breaks. He deserves Pre-k stepping ups and college graduations. He deserves finger paintings on his fridge and science exit projects. He deserves someone that can give him all of that and more. and so it was with a heavy heart I let him go.
So why do I feels so shitty? Because out of all the men I have met in the past 2 years, he had the most potential. Potential in life and love. He had a path, a dream, a vision.He could have loved me the way I needed to be loved, deserved to be loved.And because I’m being completely selfish with myself I needed to be completely selfless with this kind and gentle man and let him move on to a life more appropriate to his needs.
I guess this is Karma’s way of still letting me know….that he who loves me, I cannot love and vice-versa. Duly noted.
*This calls for a glass/bottle of Pinot grigio.