If you read my May-December blog, you may be a little familiar with this story. If not feel free to read it before joining in progress.
What can I say. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. And right now he is the best thing ever. Do I think I may ultimately wind up destroying him? Yes.Do I think that this will end terribly? Yes. Yet I can’t help myself. I can’t keep away.
We were apart from each other for a few weeks, I was hoping that it was enough to make him forget about me, he celebrated a birthday during that time. Making him a year older, birthdays tend to do that. I had some books that I had been gathering for him and made arrangements for him to come pick them up.
Boom, just like that. It was as if no time had been lost between us. He forgot all the things I said about wanting him to have the family I couldn’t provide. It all fell on deaf ears and an open heart. We met for drinks.I thought we could keep it friendly but that did not last very long and then he gave me this:
I don’t want to love him, yet I do although it’s not the kind of love that he wishes for and deserves. I care, I worry, has he eaten, has he slept, is he thinking about me. It’s love, but it’s different. I can’t Immerse myself in this relationship.
Besides the 20 year age difference, his impending deployment helps me keep my distance. I don’t want to think of having to let this wonderful person go. What if he never returns? No it is far better to remain in this state of non labels than a state of attachment.
A state where we are just two people that enjoy eachothers company . He keeps me young while I keep him at arms length. My soldier.