The Main

If you have been keeping up with me you must be thinking “WOW, this chick has way to much going on”. You are correct, but this is the only one that really counts. I’d drop all my hoes for him.

I gave my heart away when I was a young girl. Seems like a gazillion years ago and it was. But no matter how much time has passed. He will always be the one for me, while being the one for someone else.

It’s a twisted triangular prism type of thing. Many sides, all connected to him. I knew he was the one for me when we reconnected a few years ago. And although he has settled (with someone not me) he is not settled at all. No, I don’t harbor any false hope that someday he will solely be mine, but I do take comfort in the fact that he will never really belong to anyone.

No this man is not especially good to me, actually quite the opposite. Somedays I think he means to destroy me on purpose. But there are other moments of kindness, a tiny gesture that has the ability to erase the bad, a stolen kiss that reminds me our time is limited. So I seal in my thoughts,and all my words become buried into my soul, sometimes escaping through my eyes. He hates that.

Why do I continue this? Because a little of him is better than nothing at all. Because when he is apart from me there is a giant hole in my chest that can’t be filled by any person, place or thing. You might think I have low self-esteem, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. 

I know I am worthy of more, I know I am better than this. I also know he needs saving. I  know that I can save him even if it means killing myself. That’s what love is, a sacrifice.  So I’ll sit blindly with an open heart waiting for him. My main.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not wasting my life away. I’m actively  dating, hoping to find a new “The One”. Maybe he is already here Soldier Bae, maybe I’ve yet to meet him or maybe he just doesn’t exist. Either way I’m living.

This helps, blogging, getting my thoughts out, all the things I cannot say.

Thank you.

 

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