First I want to be clear I am not giving this the Label of a rape. I was not beaten, my clothing was not torn, he did not enter my body against my will. I was a willing participant as long as we followed the rules.
But I may have been violated. I feel confused and hurt, much like I did when I was 17 and raped by an ex boyfriend that said he loved me. That was a rape by the definition I gave above, this was not.
Friday night started off perfect. Celebrating St. Patrick’s day with coworkers and I thought it would be a good idea to invite “him” out to start slowly incorporating him into my life.I became comfortable with the whole PDA thing and even began posting it as part of my snapchat story.
The night ended early with my coworkers, he had other plans for us. That was fine, I always have enjoyed our private time together. He booked us a unique room in a trendy part of the city. It was cute and cozy and well thought out and that mixed with random foot massages was making me fall even harder for him.
I had ALOT to drink that night. I’ll admit it and so this is the part that becomes so confusing to me and has blurred all the lines. We are adults and we had consensual sex, using the protection. That is my rule. No condom, no sex. I said it many times that night and before.Sober and drunk. He knew this.
So when I woke up to him on top of me, I wasn’t alarmed at first. There is no better way I could think of to be woken up. The gentle caress and kisses from your partner accompanied with the rhythmic motion as their body joins your. So no I wasn’t alarmed. I never said no, I welcomed it.
It felt distinctly different, I wanted to ask if he had put a condom on, but I didn’t. I let him continue. I was 1/2 asleep, I was drunk and I was secure in the fact that I had told him, a condom always. So I never said no.
So where is this going? I became alarmed when he was done, his ejaculate was everywhere. I couldn’t understand how that could happen if he was wearing a condom, I didn’t hear the distinctive snap that it made when pried of a hard penis in a rush to spill itself everywhere. I immediately questioned all of these things that were racing through my mind but then he held me even tighter so I was unable to move and promised me he was wearing one.
It was late, I needed to get out of there. I wanted to go home. My eyes did a quick survey of the bed trying to locate this discarded condom. I saw none, just the wet spot of my shame on the bed. Shame? Why shame? Because I didn’t say no when my body betrayed my brain.
So was this a rape? I would have never consented to sex without a condom.He insist he wore one. I never asked for proof. He never offered any.I just know that I feel betrayed and violated.My mind keeps running over into that room searching for this hidden condom. I’m afraid to almost invent one with my imagination because then it would mean that he hadn’t violated me, lied to me, betrayed me.
But my body and my heart feel otherwise, the condom doesn’t exist. He did do all those things to me, and now my real shame begins. Do I tell my other partner what happened? Should I get tested (I was just tested in February, will my insurance even pay for another full panel of test). How do I get him to understand that what he did is not okay without calling it rape?
The lines are blurred this time, I was clearly raped when I was 17. No questions. It was violent, hurtful and full of hate,control and life changing.
Was it rape? I don’t want to label the situation. I don’t want to be a victim.