Apparently, it’s a thing…..

While watching the news this morning, my ears perked up when I heard the news anchor say that a story was coming up regarding a trend that is putting men’s sexual partners at risk. Never did I imagine it would be the very same experience that occurred with my most recent sexual encounter in Blurred Lines.

http://www.allure.com/story/stealthing-removing-condom-without-partners-consent-sexual-assault

I breathed a huge sigh of relief, it has a name…..stealthing and then immediately felt embarrassed because I didn’t want my young daughter to make any correlation to me or this news story. She was fast asleep. She’s 12, and there will be plenty of time to talk to her about these kinds of situations when the time comes. I then breathed another sigh of relief. It’s a thing, a very real thing. I wasn’t crazy to feel violated. I wasn’t alone.

Is it wrong that I feel so relieved, that other women have shared my confusion and shame. That I feel like I am part of some strange club. That I no longer feel alone or confused by his actions. I’ve forgiven him, he did not know better and I wanted to move on.

I now know, that this is a discussion I will have with every new relationship. Openly discuss MY  boundaries and the consequences that Will be dealt if they are broken.

I no longer have to live in shame.

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

13 Reasons Why You Should Watch This Movie

So I began watching “13 Reasons Why” with my kids. I thought it was going to be another “after school type special” the kind that touches the surface of a hot topic but never delves deep into the heart of it, but I was wrong.

It was gritty and a honest look at bullying and teen suicide.

It was a bit difficult to watch as I found the main character very relatable but it did open up a dialogue with my kids regarding these very real facts that happen to kids both male and female everyday. They learned that not only was I their mom, but I was once a kid, once bullied, I was sexually assaulted by my peers more than once, labeled the school slut by school faculty and classmates alike and once attempted to take my own life.

 

 

It told my story and I’m glad that I watched it. And here is why you should watch it too:

  1. This is happening in every school in America.
  2. Bullying is not part of the J.H.S/H.S experience.
  3. 1 in 65,000 children ages 10 to 14 commit suicide each year.
  4. Know the signs.
  5. Speak to your children or anyone that you love about this very real topic.
  6. Suicide is preventable.
  7. Suicide is NOT an an attempt to gain attention.
  8. If you need someone to talk to reach out to the

    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

     Call 1-800-273-8255
  9. If you think you were sexually assaulted please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673)
  10.  There is always hope and there is always help
  11. Know that you are not alone.
  12. Suicide is NEVER the answer
  13. I was once Hannah Baker

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blurred Lines

First I want to be clear I am not giving this the Label of a rape. I was not beaten, my clothing was not torn, he did not enter my body against my will. I was a willing participant as long as we followed the rules.

But I may have been violated. I feel confused and hurt, much like I did when I was 17 and raped by an ex boyfriend that said he loved me. That was a rape by the definition I gave above, this was not.

Friday night started off perfect. Celebrating St. Patrick’s day with coworkers and I thought it would be a good idea to invite “him” out to start slowly incorporating him into my life.I became comfortable with the whole PDA thing and even began posting it as part of my snapchat story.

The night ended early with my coworkers, he had other plans for us. That was fine, I always have enjoyed our private time together. He booked us a unique room in a trendy part of the city. It was cute and cozy and well thought out and that mixed with random foot massages was making me fall even harder for him.

I had ALOT to drink that night. I’ll admit it and so this is the part that becomes so confusing to me and has blurred all the lines. We are adults and we had consensual sex, using the protection. That is my rule. No condom, no sex. I said it many times that night and before.Sober and drunk. He knew this.

So when I woke up to him on top of me, I wasn’t alarmed at first. There is no better way I could think of to be woken up. The gentle caress and kisses from your partner accompanied with the rhythmic motion as their body joins your. So no I wasn’t alarmed. I never said no, I welcomed it.

It felt distinctly different, I wanted to ask if he had put a condom on, but I didn’t. I let him continue. I was 1/2 asleep, I was drunk and I was secure in the fact that I had told him, a condom always. So I never said no.

So where is this going? I became alarmed when he was done, his ejaculate was everywhere. I couldn’t understand how that could happen if he was wearing a condom, I didn’t hear the distinctive snap that it made when pried of a hard penis in a rush to spill itself everywhere. I immediately questioned all of these things that were racing through my mind but then he held me even tighter so I was unable to move and promised me he was wearing one.

It was late, I needed to get out of there. I wanted to go home. My eyes did a quick survey of the bed trying to locate this discarded condom. I saw none, just the wet spot of my shame on the bed. Shame? Why shame? Because I didn’t say no when my body betrayed my brain.

So was this a rape? I would have never consented to sex without a condom.He insist he wore one. I never asked for proof. He never offered any.I just know that I feel betrayed and violated.My mind keeps running over into that room searching for this hidden condom. I’m afraid to almost invent one with my imagination because then it would mean that he hadn’t violated me, lied to me, betrayed me.

But my body and my heart feel otherwise, the condom doesn’t exist. He did do all those things to me, and now my real shame begins. Do I tell my other partner what happened? Should I get tested (I was just tested in February, will my insurance even pay for another full panel of test). How do I get him to understand that what he did is not okay without calling it rape?

The lines are blurred this time, I was clearly raped when I was 17. No questions. It was violent, hurtful and full of hate,control and life changing.

Was it rape? I don’t want to label the situation. I don’t want to be a victim.

 

 

 

 

 

 

via Daily Prompt: Label