The band aid

So my little Tylenol experiment did not go as planned. I got home yesterday and there were 2 ice cold Corona’s in the fridge and after my experience with Tylenol and booze in a failed attempt to leave this earth as a kid I decide to just drink the beer….and some tequila. Funny how the same person is involved in both events.

Anywho, I must admit the drinks were a nice ending to a long ass day. The Symptom‘s of heartbreak can be easily patched with a tequila bandaid. The hard part is the next morning when it is ripped off.

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via Daily Prompt: Symptom

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Numbing the pain

I’ve recently experienced several heart breaks(sometimes it’s just that way). It’s not like I have never had my heart broken before but it just seems to be getting worse as opposed to easier. Maybe it’s the fact that I keep allowing the same person to break it? I don’t know.

While googling how to heal a broken heart I came across this interesting article in “The New York Times”. YES, I do actually google everything.

Does it work? Will Tylenol really help to heal this broken heart? I imagine it can help ease all the physical pains that I am feeling.Yea, I know a fistful of tylenol a day can wreak havoc on my liver and kidneys. So can the alcohol that I would like to consume daily except that I worry about the calories.

I just popped some some advil, not sure it will have the same effect. But I will update in a week or so to see if Tylenol actually helped me heal.

Definitely an interesting read if you have the time.

Soldier Bae

If you read my May-December blog, you may be a little familiar with this story. If not feel free to read it before joining in progress.

What can I say. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. And right now he is the best thing ever. Do I think I may ultimately wind up destroying him? Yes.Do I think that this will end terribly? Yes. Yet I can’t help myself. I can’t keep away.

We were apart from each other for a few weeks, I was hoping that it was enough to make him  forget about me, he celebrated a birthday during that time. Making him a year older, birthdays tend to do that. I had some books that I had been gathering for him and made arrangements for him to  come pick them up.

Boom, just like that. It was as if no time had been lost between us. He forgot all the things I said about wanting him to have the family I couldn’t provide. It all fell on deaf ears and an open heart. We met for drinks.I thought we could keep it friendly but that did not last very long and then he gave me this:

No one has given me anything this sweet in a long time that did not expect something in return.


Even the puppy is sad when he is not around.


I don’t want to love him, yet I do although it’s not the kind of love that he wishes for and deserves. I care, I worry, has he eaten, has he slept, is he thinking about me. It’s love, but it’s different. I can’t Immerse myself in this relationship.

Besides the 20 year age difference, his impending deployment helps me keep my distance. I don’t want to think of having to let this wonderful person go. What if he never returns? No it is far better to remain in this state of non labels than a state of attachment.

A state where we are just two people that enjoy eachothers company . He keeps me young while I keep him at arms length. My soldier.

 

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/2017/03/14/immerse/

How to Heal

As a mom, I would love to put my children in a bubble and protect them from certain things. Bullies and a broken heart are at the top of this list. Today I write about heart break.It is my greatest Desire to protect them when I feel that a potential partner may not be the one. Sue Me.

We never want to imagine our daughters balled up in their beds crying over some boy or girl who broke their heart but we can imagine it. But what if it’s our sons? Society teaches us that we have to raise our young men to be emotionless and strong. No crying, especially over a girl.

So to watch my own son, my only son, my grown son going through this is so heart breaking to me.I’m still feeling raw over my own heart break that occurred 6 days ago, it’s as if I am reliving it. I don’t want to give him the wrong advice. What do you do when you can’t help, can’t heal. There is no band-aid in the world that can cover this wound.

I can only tell him it won’t hurt this much next week, and hopefully much less the week after. It’s much like when someone dies, you cry and then one day you realize they are in a better place and are at peace with your feelings. My hope is that he will realize he is in a better place and move on.

I love you.

 

via Daily Prompt: Desire

Broken Beats

I feel it. Right in the Center of my chest.There is a empty hole where my heart once lived and it’s preventing me from breathing. The space is so vast that it’s echo reaches the pit of my stomach all the way to my brain, right down to my shaky hands. I’m no stranger to this sort of pain. You and I have been down this road before more than once, more than twice. But it always still feels like the first time.

I want to be strong, but I can’t. How can I remove this pain when the person that brings me joy is also the one that is slowly killing me inside?  It’s still fresh, I know this wound will close.Until you rip it open again.
via Daily Prompt: Center

May-December

He’s May…I’m December and what started out hot like the August heat has cooled into a fall November day. I did it for his own good, I really did. And I’m pretty sure, no absolutely positive that someday he will thank me for it.

You see, I started to wonder if there was a future in this thing. And I swear for a minute I truly believed there could be one. I looked past the 20 year age difference. Daily it mattered less to me that I had a child older than him, I became comfortable with the realization that my son was just four years younger than him and  my youngest, I believe is still too young to form an opinion on this (thanks to Jlo and Drake’s highly publicized May-December romance).

But, then came the talk of the future, HIS plans for OUR future. A future that I could not see myself a part of. A future that would require my entire life to be examined. And so I got scared. But nothing scared me more than when the talk of babies came up. And I knew I had to let him go.

I would never change my mind when it comes to more children, for health reasons alone I couldn’t take the risk of bringing another child into this world. Also, at 45 my child bearing days are nearing the end (I’ve got mixed feeling about that, but that’s another post). But mostly because I’m absolutely, completely selfish is why I do not want another baby.

With two of my children already in their 20’s and a third about to hit her terrible teens, I am finally able to be a little selfish  with my time. I finally booked a trip to the Dominican Republic my first trip ever to another country, I’ve got plans to just have relaxed summer and relaxed rest of my life actually, diapers not included. And he deserves a world I cannot possibly ever give him.

He deserves to be a dad, and experience all the joys and heartaches that parenthood brings. He deserves first steps and first heart breaks. He deserves Pre-k stepping ups and college graduations. He deserves finger paintings on his fridge and science exit projects. He deserves someone that can give him all of that and more. and so it was with a heavy heart I let him go.

So why do I feels so shitty? Because out of all the men I have met in the past 2 years, he had the most potential. Potential in life and love. He had a path, a dream, a vision.He could have loved me the way I needed to be loved, deserved to be loved.And because I’m being completely selfish with myself I needed to be completely selfless with this kind and gentle man and let him move on to a life more appropriate to his needs.

I guess this is Karma’s way of still letting me know….that he who loves me, I cannot love and vice-versa. Duly noted.

*This calls for a glass/bottle of Pinot grigio.