The band aid

So my little Tylenol experiment did not go as planned. I got home yesterday and there were 2 ice cold Corona’s in the fridge and after my experience with Tylenol and booze in a failed attempt to leave this earth as a kid I decide to just drink the beer….and some tequila. Funny how the same person is involved in both events.

Anywho, I must admit the drinks were a nice ending to a long ass day. The Symptom‘s of heartbreak can be easily patched with a tequila bandaid. The hard part is the next morning when it is ripped off.

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via Daily Prompt: Symptom

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Numbing the pain

I’ve recently experienced several heart breaks(sometimes it’s just that way). It’s not like I have never had my heart broken before but it just seems to be getting worse as opposed to easier. Maybe it’s the fact that I keep allowing the same person to break it? I don’t know.

While googling how to heal a broken heart I came across this interesting article in “The New York Times”. YES, I do actually google everything.

Does it work? Will Tylenol really help to heal this broken heart? I imagine it can help ease all the physical pains that I am feeling.Yea, I know a fistful of tylenol a day can wreak havoc on my liver and kidneys. So can the alcohol that I would like to consume daily except that I worry about the calories.

I just popped some some advil, not sure it will have the same effect. But I will update in a week or so to see if Tylenol actually helped me heal.

Definitely an interesting read if you have the time.

Blurred Lines

First I want to be clear I am not giving this the Label of a rape. I was not beaten, my clothing was not torn, he did not enter my body against my will. I was a willing participant as long as we followed the rules.

But I may have been violated. I feel confused and hurt, much like I did when I was 17 and raped by an ex boyfriend that said he loved me. That was a rape by the definition I gave above, this was not.

Friday night started off perfect. Celebrating St. Patrick’s day with coworkers and I thought it would be a good idea to invite “him” out to start slowly incorporating him into my life.I became comfortable with the whole PDA thing and even began posting it as part of my snapchat story.

The night ended early with my coworkers, he had other plans for us. That was fine, I always have enjoyed our private time together. He booked us a unique room in a trendy part of the city. It was cute and cozy and well thought out and that mixed with random foot massages was making me fall even harder for him.

I had ALOT to drink that night. I’ll admit it and so this is the part that becomes so confusing to me and has blurred all the lines. We are adults and we had consensual sex, using the protection. That is my rule. No condom, no sex. I said it many times that night and before.Sober and drunk. He knew this.

So when I woke up to him on top of me, I wasn’t alarmed at first. There is no better way I could think of to be woken up. The gentle caress and kisses from your partner accompanied with the rhythmic motion as their body joins your. So no I wasn’t alarmed. I never said no, I welcomed it.

It felt distinctly different, I wanted to ask if he had put a condom on, but I didn’t. I let him continue. I was 1/2 asleep, I was drunk and I was secure in the fact that I had told him, a condom always. So I never said no.

So where is this going? I became alarmed when he was done, his ejaculate was everywhere. I couldn’t understand how that could happen if he was wearing a condom, I didn’t hear the distinctive snap that it made when pried of a hard penis in a rush to spill itself everywhere. I immediately questioned all of these things that were racing through my mind but then he held me even tighter so I was unable to move and promised me he was wearing one.

It was late, I needed to get out of there. I wanted to go home. My eyes did a quick survey of the bed trying to locate this discarded condom. I saw none, just the wet spot of my shame on the bed. Shame? Why shame? Because I didn’t say no when my body betrayed my brain.

So was this a rape? I would have never consented to sex without a condom.He insist he wore one. I never asked for proof. He never offered any.I just know that I feel betrayed and violated.My mind keeps running over into that room searching for this hidden condom. I’m afraid to almost invent one with my imagination because then it would mean that he hadn’t violated me, lied to me, betrayed me.

But my body and my heart feel otherwise, the condom doesn’t exist. He did do all those things to me, and now my real shame begins. Do I tell my other partner what happened? Should I get tested (I was just tested in February, will my insurance even pay for another full panel of test). How do I get him to understand that what he did is not okay without calling it rape?

The lines are blurred this time, I was clearly raped when I was 17. No questions. It was violent, hurtful and full of hate,control and life changing.

Was it rape? I don’t want to label the situation. I don’t want to be a victim.

 

 

 

 

 

 

via Daily Prompt: Label

The Main

If you have been keeping up with me you must be thinking “WOW, this chick has way to much going on”. You are correct, but this is the only one that really counts. I’d drop all my hoes for him.

I gave my heart away when I was a young girl. Seems like a gazillion years ago and it was. But no matter how much time has passed. He will always be the one for me, while being the one for someone else.

It’s a twisted triangular prism type of thing. Many sides, all connected to him. I knew he was the one for me when we reconnected a few years ago. And although he has settled (with someone not me) he is not settled at all. No, I don’t harbor any false hope that someday he will solely be mine, but I do take comfort in the fact that he will never really belong to anyone.

No this man is not especially good to me, actually quite the opposite. Somedays I think he means to destroy me on purpose. But there are other moments of kindness, a tiny gesture that has the ability to erase the bad, a stolen kiss that reminds me our time is limited. So I seal in my thoughts,and all my words become buried into my soul, sometimes escaping through my eyes. He hates that.

Why do I continue this? Because a little of him is better than nothing at all. Because when he is apart from me there is a giant hole in my chest that can’t be filled by any person, place or thing. You might think I have low self-esteem, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. 

I know I am worthy of more, I know I am better than this. I also know he needs saving. I  know that I can save him even if it means killing myself. That’s what love is, a sacrifice.  So I’ll sit blindly with an open heart waiting for him. My main.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not wasting my life away. I’m actively  dating, hoping to find a new “The One”. Maybe he is already here Soldier Bae, maybe I’ve yet to meet him or maybe he just doesn’t exist. Either way I’m living.

This helps, blogging, getting my thoughts out, all the things I cannot say.

Thank you.

 

Soldier Bae

If you read my May-December blog, you may be a little familiar with this story. If not feel free to read it before joining in progress.

What can I say. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. And right now he is the best thing ever. Do I think I may ultimately wind up destroying him? Yes.Do I think that this will end terribly? Yes. Yet I can’t help myself. I can’t keep away.

We were apart from each other for a few weeks, I was hoping that it was enough to make him  forget about me, he celebrated a birthday during that time. Making him a year older, birthdays tend to do that. I had some books that I had been gathering for him and made arrangements for him to  come pick them up.

Boom, just like that. It was as if no time had been lost between us. He forgot all the things I said about wanting him to have the family I couldn’t provide. It all fell on deaf ears and an open heart. We met for drinks.I thought we could keep it friendly but that did not last very long and then he gave me this:

No one has given me anything this sweet in a long time that did not expect something in return.


Even the puppy is sad when he is not around.


I don’t want to love him, yet I do although it’s not the kind of love that he wishes for and deserves. I care, I worry, has he eaten, has he slept, is he thinking about me. It’s love, but it’s different. I can’t Immerse myself in this relationship.

Besides the 20 year age difference, his impending deployment helps me keep my distance. I don’t want to think of having to let this wonderful person go. What if he never returns? No it is far better to remain in this state of non labels than a state of attachment.

A state where we are just two people that enjoy eachothers company . He keeps me young while I keep him at arms length. My soldier.

 

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/2017/03/14/immerse/

Breakfast Bae

*For the record, I don’t believe the “word” Bae should ever be used.Ever.

So I met Breakfast Bae, about 2 weeks ago. We met via this app called “happn”. I like the concept of this app. If you’ve never used it here’s some quick info:

It’s an app that connects you with people who you have crossed paths with, and if you like him/her you hit the heart. If they heart you back you are invited to chat with each other. Or some brave souls can just skip the crossing fingers portion and just charm the person of interest. They then have the option to chat or ignore you.

BB charmed me. I was curious. Honestly I would have hearted him if I had seen him. Not a bad-looking guy, IG was available for snooping, not terribly young and very sweet. We have completely opposite schedules and he lives in another state, so it makes connecting on a personal level very difficult.

So after a few days of chatting he decided to ask me out to breakfast. Makes sense, I’m getting into the city as he’s getting ready to leave it. I get here so early that I have time to have a leisurely breakfast. So we met.

He was just as adorable in person he looked exactly like his picture and was a gentleman but then again we were in a crowded restaurant in broad daylight. Aahhhh the piece of mind that meeting in a crowded public place brings. I felt completely at ease.

He walked me to my building and we said our goodbyes. I like this one, I just hope our conflicting schedules and the distance won’t be a major factor.

To be continued…..

 

Cab Driver Bae

*For the record, I don’t believe the “word” Bae should ever be used.Ever.

I met Cab Driver Bae over the summer. Cute maybe creepy story actually, I was waiting for my cab after leaving a party and he happened to get the call. We chit chatted during the ride home, nothing crazy. He dropped me off.

Well, before I could even get up the stairs, he was texting me. He somehow got a hold of my number, let’s just say he did something unethical. I was a bit bit flattered and creeped at the same time. I mean I can’t remember the last time that someone went out of their way to get to know me.

After the initial minor shock we chatted a bit more and for the few days following. We even enjoyed each other’s company over brunch and had a nice pool date one hot August morning. I remember being impressed by this pool date, I mean the guy worked all night and hates the sun, but was willing to just hang out with me all day by the pool.

The relationship was definitely advancing, I mean he was young, but not too young. He was a hard worker, single (or at least so I was told) he had a busy schedule as well so understood sometimes I was busy with work or my family and the most important thing…. and he was FUNNY! 

So what went wrong?

We continued to chat via text, but the response times for both parties became longer and longer and things just eventually cooled. Our last conversation was in November….

So imagine my surprise.

I received out of the blue a text message from CDB last Friday, very random and again sorta cute…a simple Happy New Year. It’s March. I guess that was his opener. Hey I harbor no ill feelings, things happen, people drift apart and sometimes that’s just the way it is.

But he was very adorable inviting me to the movies and I accepted. I thought, wow a guy that doesn’t want to just take me to a bar and get me drunk thinking I will go home with him. This guy is awesome, what a gentleman.

And that he was. He picked me up and we had drinks and appetizers before the movie. And aside from a few stolen kisses during the movie he tried nothing fresh. Of course he is a guy and did ask if I would go home with him. I declined, I told him that he is starting over basically from square one.

was I wrong? And no I haven’t heard from him…perhaps in July.