Life Before Death

Life is short and I don’t wanna die, never having known the ultimate high. 

I’m always one step away because I can never decide, if I’m gonna take that leap or run and hide. 

But death helps you to understand that time doesn’t wait, you can take charge or leave it to fate. 

So from this day forward I vow to be, the happiest me you ever did see. You can come along or you can get left but I’m not going to become an unhappy victim of death. 

I want my name in lights, I want to leave my mark. I want the world to know what Jai Bee’s smile sparked. 

Is there life after death, Yes! But rest assured I will leave all I’ve encountered,completely allured. 

Yes I’m dramatic and it’s always a show but since I’m young the only comfort I’ve ever known, is pen to the paper in my comfort zone because you can still be popular and utterly alone. 

Jai Bee💕


Empty Nest, empty heart

It’s been a year since I’ve been here. Not for lack of things I have/want to say. So much has happened in the last year. I’ve gained little. I’ve lost a lot. Now I’m trying to put it all in perspective.

I miss my kids. For a really long time, I was able  to co-exist with their father under the same roof. For years although separated, we existed. Simple. That was until I began my first serious relationship with a much younger man. Then it became complicated. You can read about him May-December and here Soldier Bae.

I began keeping later hours and spending weekends away. I was the happiest I had been in a really long time (mostly). Well, my husband also began to notice the change in me and so without much of a discussion, he decided to leave, my youngest daughter decided she wanted to live with him and my little family was dissolved.

I know it was the right decision for the moment, I mean how much longer were we supposed to live in that state. It wasn’t fair to either one of us and after 6 years, it was time for both of us to find happiness.

But sometimes the right things are also the hardest. Everyday I miss my kids. the relationship I have with the two older ones has been tarnished because of my much younger boyfriend and how my family discovered him (another blog to come about this).

The holidays were hardest, but we got through them. These little people that I gave life to now give me life and some days I fight hard to take another step. Oddly, my youngest seems to be most accepting of the changes that have taken place. We communicate daily and I’m so grateful for our little chats.

My son, my heart, my #1….understandably he’s angry….I suppose. He is embarrassed of my relationship because there is only a 4 year age difference. but is that enough to stop talking to me?

My oldest daughter, we haven’t spoken much, she is currently working on her masters and I need her to be completely focused on that. 

My youngest, thank you for trying. Thank you for making me laugh daily. And thank you for still loving me. 

Apparently, it’s a thing…..

While watching the news this morning, my ears perked up when I heard the news anchor say that a story was coming up regarding a trend that is putting men’s sexual partners at risk. Never did I imagine it would be the very same experience that occurred with my most recent sexual encounter in Blurred Lines.

I breathed a huge sigh of relief, it has a name…..stealthing and then immediately felt embarrassed because I didn’t want my young daughter to make any correlation to me or this news story. She was fast asleep. She’s 12, and there will be plenty of time to talk to her about these kinds of situations when the time comes. I then breathed another sigh of relief. It’s a thing, a very real thing. I wasn’t crazy to feel violated. I wasn’t alone.

Is it wrong that I feel so relieved, that other women have shared my confusion and shame. That I feel like I am part of some strange club. That I no longer feel alone or confused by his actions. I’ve forgiven him, he did not know better and I wanted to move on.

I now know, that this is a discussion I will have with every new relationship. Openly discuss MY  boundaries and the consequences that Will be dealt if they are broken.

I no longer have to live in shame.






13 Reasons Why You Should Watch This Movie

So I began watching “13 Reasons Why” with my kids. I thought it was going to be another “after school type special” the kind that touches the surface of a hot topic but never delves deep into the heart of it, but I was wrong.

It was gritty and a honest look at bullying and teen suicide.

It was a bit difficult to watch as I found the main character very relatable but it did open up a dialogue with my kids regarding these very real facts that happen to kids both male and female everyday. They learned that not only was I their mom, but I was once a kid, once bullied, I was sexually assaulted by my peers more than once, labeled the school slut by school faculty and classmates alike and once attempted to take my own life.



It told my story and I’m glad that I watched it. And here is why you should watch it too:

  1. This is happening in every school in America.
  2. Bullying is not part of the J.H.S/H.S experience.
  3. 1 in 65,000 children ages 10 to 14 commit suicide each year.
  4. Know the signs.
  5. Speak to your children or anyone that you love about this very real topic.
  6. Suicide is preventable.
  7. Suicide is NOT an an attempt to gain attention.
  8. If you need someone to talk to reach out to the

    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

     Call 1-800-273-8255
  9. If you think you were sexually assaulted please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673)
  10.  There is always hope and there is always help
  11. Know that you are not alone.
  12. Suicide is NEVER the answer
  13. I was once Hannah Baker









I hate to exercise. It’s not that I hate it because it’s so difficult, I mostly hate it because I can never seem to do it right….Flash back to Memorial Day weekend 2014, wait better make that February 2014.

Summer is fast approaching and I think it’s a bright idea to go hard in the gym I fell in love with the Arc Trainer at first sight. It gave me maximin results in shortest amount of time. I began to feel the pins and needles and tightness in my butt almost immediately. I could actually feel it lifting itself. What I could also feel were the first warning signs that I ignored, were the constant cramps (Charley Horses) in both my legs.

Every  night I experienced this pain in both my legs and then I began feeling it in the day as well. Just doing normal things like walking around caused searing pain in the back of my calves. But I kept going at the gym. I mean no pain, no gain right?

Now jump ahead to Memorial Day weekend. Picture this. I’m running up the steps of the train station to catch my bus. I’m excited and happy for the long weekend ahead of drunken debauchery with my sisters and family. I see the bus at the stop and sprint then I hear this loud POP in my head,

This POP is unlike anything I have ever heard. It was loud like a gunshot in alley that only I can hear. Then came the searing pain and I went down on one knee. Of course no one helped me, welcome to New York, but I managed to hobble over to a chair that the store owner keeps outside for people waiting for the bus so I could call my rescue squad (my son & niece).

Well long story short, I was dating a ex minor league baseball player at the time who convinced me not to seek medical attention (I couldn’t anyway, I had no insurance at the time) , abide by the R.I.C.E (Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevate) rule and stop being a big baby. It took many months before I was able to walk properly again. It was a tough few months, I really did have to learn to walk again.

Recovering was difficult on my own without medical intervention, it happened on a Friday, I was off Monday for Memorial Day and then I had already scheduled to be off Tuesday to recuperate from my Memorial Day hangover, little did I know that I was going to be doing some major recovery work.

I spent the entire time in bed, only getting up to pee and eat. I did everything in the R.I.C.E rules except the ice so it was more like R.C.E. but with a lot of help from my son I was able at least hobble into work that Wednesday. Never had I ever experienced the rudeness of New Yorkers as I did those few weeks I walked at a snail’s pace. I humbly apologize to anyone I have ever been impatient with (this applies only to people that had an injury, cane or crutches) everyone else speed up, this is New York after all.

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You can imagine the damper this put on my 42nd birthday celebration.

I spend about 75% of my day in heels, which I’m sure helped to contribute to the initial injury, I can’t completely blame the Arc Trainer (although I mostly do). Heels shortens the calf muscle, which is why it was a big help with my “personal recovery’ method. I switch out between 2 and 3 inch pumps then into flats daily as a way of easing into walking again normally.

I eventually did seek physical therapy which was extremely helpful but it will never be 100% again. Every time it rains or I overdo it it acts up. The only difference is this time I listen to the warning signs.

Fast Forward to 2 weeks ago; it’s getting warmer, I have my daughter’s trip to the US cheer finals in Virginia Beach coming up< I have my first trip to an international beach in June and so I decide to visit my old buddy Arc Trainer….Big mistake.

After only one 25 minute session at the gym, I was already feeling my old injury reeling its ugly head (or leg in this case) and like a dummy I misplaced my compression sleeve. My compression sleeve has saved my life (leg) through numerous twist and turns since 2014. But since I was unable to find it for 2 days, I devised one out of an old leg warmer…can you say #MacGyver lol.

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Fixing it myself #MacGyver

I’ve bought a new one, well it’s actually designed for knees but who cares it’s holding the muscle in place quite nicely and I’m healing. I took last week off from the gym and I went back a few days ago. Staying off that damn Arc Trainer and just taking it easy for now.

I’m learning that even small movements during the day are better than none at all. It might slow down my weight loss journey slightly but I’d rather that than being put completely out of commission.

Lesson of the story:

Take it slow, listen to your body, don’t listen to ex boyfriends and seek medical attention A.S.A.P


The band aid

So my little Tylenol experiment did not go as planned. I got home yesterday and there were 2 ice cold Corona’s in the fridge and after my experience with Tylenol and booze in a failed attempt to leave this earth as a kid I decide to just drink the beer….and some tequila. Funny how the same person is involved in both events.

Anywho, I must admit the drinks were a nice ending to a long ass day. The Symptom‘s of heartbreak can be easily patched with a tequila bandaid. The hard part is the next morning when it is ripped off.


via Daily Prompt: Symptom

Numbing the pain

I’ve recently experienced several heart breaks(sometimes it’s just that way). It’s not like I have never had my heart broken before but it just seems to be getting worse as opposed to easier. Maybe it’s the fact that I keep allowing the same person to break it? I don’t know.

While googling how to heal a broken heart I came across this interesting article in “The New York Times”. YES, I do actually google everything.

Does it work? Will Tylenol really help to heal this broken heart? I imagine it can help ease all the physical pains that I am feeling.Yea, I know a fistful of tylenol a day can wreak havoc on my liver and kidneys. So can the alcohol that I would like to consume daily except that I worry about the calories.

I just popped some some advil, not sure it will have the same effect. But I will update in a week or so to see if Tylenol actually helped me heal.

Definitely an interesting read if you have the time.